craving

I'm having one of those, one of those days...
When you wish you could just stay in bed-- not have to go anywhere nor have anything on your to-do list.
Not have to put on clothes. Makeup. Shoes. 4 layers.
Just have somebody who loves you bring you some apple sauce and hot blackberry tea. Lay in bed and talk about nothing until you doze off into a beautiful dream state.
Rinse. Repeat.
Wake up with an arm around you... or an armpit in your face. Whichever.
Have them pull me closer and pretend not to notice as I wipe my drool off of their arm.
Yeah... I could go for one of those.

*twinkle*

One incautious step lands unsteady
You slip and fall flat on your ass
Fate opens a skylight to reveal a shining star
You had never thought to look up before
The beauty may have been there the whole time

a shard of glass

During creation art takes form
Nothingness acquires shape
Beauty emerges from ether
A glowing ball spins atop a steel rod
Expanding, elongating
The artist never knows what he's working on
As his first breath is welcomed into the mass he has pulled from the fire
Masterful potential in constant vulnerability
As a larva transforms, growing glorious wings
A dark glowing droplet blooms into lucent radiance
Before the treasure is complete, she falls
Instantly shattering on impact with the cold concrete
Royal shards are swept into a pan
The creator pauses to save a memory of this vision
Her unique shape maintained as he softens her imperfect edges
Somewhere, some day, somebody will appreciate her unique beauty
(c)LBA

look, listen and feel

The gentlest brush of his fingertips
Ignites scores of delight across my limbs
Every hair electrified
Skin completely tantalized
No matter where or when
His touch is unmistakable
The tingle rushes through my veins
Throbbing heart resonates loud and clear
Like a sweet cool breeze his breath sweeps across my neck
I turn to meet those sparkling pools
I can see all my dreams in the sea within his eyes
Mysterious blue grey oceans
Flooded with secrets and dreams
I could drown in his tears

Shit Happens

Shit. You amaze me.
These days, not much in life is absolutely certain.
But you... You are.
No matter what, I always know that you will be there.
Not only will you happen, but you will always stink.
Your stench can be overwhelming.
You are vile.
Sometimes you are devistatingly painful.
Other times your potency is hidden...
As a source of certainty, you trump most others I can think of:
You always happen... you always stink...
And you always end.
I know you'll be back before long, but I get a break.
Releasing the weight of your burden is an imeasurable relief.
Holding onto you or spending too much time analyzing you, obsessing over your complexity, just keeps me from that gratifying end.
Any discomfort I blame on you should be directed at myself.
A viscious cycle.
Obsessing over the discomfort and unpleasantness, bitching about your recurrant pattern, extending the time before your end.
Shit.

(c)2009 LBA

take it away

A naive heart with unobtainable expectations
I pin it on my sleeve and garnish with one pink rose
(c)LBA

everything I've ever wanted

Touch me
Spoon me
Let me spoon you
Kiss me
Push the shopping cart, I'll pull from the side
Sneak neck kisses while I'm on the phone
Look me in the eye
Let me breathe you in
Watch my every move as I walk in the door
Undress me like I'm a Christmas present
Let me catch you staring
Hold my hand
Hold my back pocket as we stand in the checkout line
Bring me coffee at the library
Let me buy you flowers
Be on my team
Teach me something
Let me teach you
Make sure I'm not picked last for kickball
Go sledding with me
Write our names in the sand
Remember my birthday
When I drool on your arm, hold me closer
Laugh with me
Talk to me
Let me in - your head and your heart
Don't try to give me advice when I just want you to listen to me vent
Don't hold back, be honest
Think I'm beautiful
Have goals... go for them!
Stand up to me
Let me win sometimes
Stay up late with me
Let me love you on a crazy level
Don't judge me when I break down
Tell me I'll be a great mom someday
Don't give up on me
Let me struggle, it makes me strong
Always be ready to hold out your hand
Lend me a quarter on laundry day
Tell me what I'm forgetting
Notice the little things
Smile when you find my crappy love notes in your gym bag
Write me a crappy love note sometime
Play on playgrounds with me
Don't let me slack on my chores... my homework... or appreciating you
Be yourself
Love me.

starshine

I tilt my head back and stare into forever
Closing my eyes to dream
You are the star I wish upon
Though I am the one who's falling
Tumbling from miles above
Chase me. Catch me.
I am yours
Keep me safe but do not hide me
Light is a sign of hope

the long and the short

Often I find myself reflecting upon relationships that have come and gone in my life. The ones I focus on heavily are the ones that seemed so strong and then disappear completely. We often call the people whom we've known the longest our "best friends." But who are mine? What relationships do I have?

Britney Spears was ridiculed for having a 54 hour marriage. But I just had one of the greatest 60 second relationships ever today (this blog was originally writen in August). No, it wasn't romantic nor physical. But it did touch my heart. I was deciding between 2 bookbags at TJ Maxx today and a little girl walking past me looked up, smiled and waved. I waved back and noticed she had one of those Giant universal remotes in her hands. I commented "Wow! That thing is awesome! I bet you'll never lose that in the couch!" She giggled and asked me if I had one that big. I told her that I did not, but maybe I should because I always lose my little one. She stopped for a moment, looked at the remote while she fiddled to put the battery cover back on. Success. Looked up at me and said "I think that's a pretty good idea." I smiled and thanked her. She paused to see if I would say anything else and before she started to walk away I asked her which bag she liked better. After examining them both for a moment, she pointed to the brown Jansport backpack instead of the sleak black Kennith Cole messenger bag. I looked at the bag, looked back and her and said "You're right, this is the one." She smilied proudly and skipped away to find her mom. That is what makes my world go round.

Now I look at my long-term relationships. First at those that are no more. Sarah Hutjens- I have no idea what she's up to. We were close as could be and then we just fizzled out... distance. Amanda Baszynski- moved just to the next suburb, but long before technology and now, no idea. I didn't have many if any close friends in high school so, that's out. College, most of those relationships were based around partying...Those that stuck: there are VERY few. Steph, Stevie, Amanda, Ashley and Becca... I look at each of these relationships and try to figure out what has allowed them to stay tight even though distance, time and life chapters have all taken their tole... it's kind of amazing. The ways I met each of them astounds me... I just hope that each of them is still on my "bests" list in 10, 20, 30 years...

So what's more important? How do we weigh our relationships? Number of phone calls per month? Texts per day? Facebook comments? Maybe for some people.
Some may have lots of friends whom they've been close to and will remain so forever... but that's just not how my life has been. My friends don't really talk much or often, but when we do it's on a crazy-deep level. I just don't have them here with me... or blowing up my phone. My life has lasted this long because of the little smiles and giggles I share with my "single serving friends." Strangers amaze me.

Masochist

A new hope was planted
Thoughts of you, of us, flooded my every moment
I watched the glitter fall from the sky
Riding the mountain just like you showed me
Diamond dust sparkling in the light of the sun
Then the moon showed me a whole new beauty
I wanted you there, here, with me
The little wings were starting to shake out
Ready to spread, anticipating the word
Just say Go
Total trust in your words, in your promises
I peaked
You know I can't help myself when I know something's hiding
Too excited, like Christmas
So I crossed a line, and there if was
Those words
My words
OUR words
You took them away
You gave them to her
WRENCHING in my chest
Unstopable tear-flow
I needed time.
You took yours... and gave mine away
My time, my words, my heart
My soul lies on a dagger
Each shudder sending new pain through every inch of me
I brought this on myself.
I'm into self-harm.